For some reason kept waking up in the night. That hasn’t happened for a while now, maybe because I stopped medication.

Finished watching Clannad. Last episode is so bittersweet. Watching anime always makes me feel like I’m terribly missing out on life. I spend so much time stuck in my room, doing barely anything. I missed out on all the experiences of being a student in school and university. In school it was absolutely terrible and I barely had friends. Constantly got bullied and beaten. And since I’m a home student, I never got to experience student life.

Looks like anxiety is back. Either Zoloft didn’t start working yet, or it just doesn’t work for anxiety. It was all Lyrica’s effect… But Lyrica causes too much brainfog so I don’t want to take it. I guess I’ll have to wait until end of the month before making conclusion and visiting doctor. After anxiety stopped my brain started feeling extremely weird. It felt like hand kept touching back of my brain for multiple hours. An EXTREMELY uncomfortable sensation. It was like different kind of pain. Lyrica apparently only stops having effect after 36 hours so I most likely still was under it’s effect yesterday. Which is why I’m having these weird withdrawal symptoms today.

I’m funneled. Every time anything happens, every moment of my life, it’s going further and further from me. I’m constantly moving forward, constantly funneled into an unknown future. Every time I think of any memory, it’s always more distant. I can always see it.

Finally, finally had energy today! For the first time in like 2 weeks I felt like wanting to get up and do everything. It looks like it was just Lyrica’s effect after all, thank fucking God. Also I didn’t feel anxious today, even without Lyrica. Maybe Zoloft is already working, or I just didn’t have something that’d make me anxious.

Continued to watch Clannad for the most of the day. Cried because of ████████████████████████.

Started watching Clannad.

Had brainfog all day and felt very tired. Went to gym, ███████████████████████████████████.

Continued improving █████████████.

Today is the last day I take Lyrica. I hope tiredness and not wanting to do anything improves and I won’t have any withdrawal effects.

So tired. Went to visit parents today because of █████████████████. Touched cat after so long.

██████████████████████████████████████████████████████

█████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████

█████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████

█████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████

█████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████

█████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████

Then I went home and layed in bed for a long time. Insanely hard to do anything. Managed to finally ███████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████.

Layed in bed for almost the whole day. ███████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████

I really just don’t feel like doing anything at all. I feel like because I’m feeling really chill, I don’t feel the need to constantly be doing anything to forget about anxiety, so I’m much less productive now.

████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████

I learned that you can create a Service in MacOS’ Finder with Automator. Made "Open folder with VSCode". Neat.

Watched Kanon (2006) for the whole day. It’s a cozy, snowy, sad, cute anime. I really liked it. While watching it I constantly felt bittersweet. And when I was done with watching it, as with any other good media, I feel empty inside. Uguuu…

This anime is quite unique from most of others that I watched, because it has so many substories happening at once. But then I realized that it’s a VN adaptation, so they had to fit in all character lines into one anime.

MC in anime had so many potential gfs, it was hard to pick one. But I’m happy with how it all turned out. The only thing that’s a tiny bit disappointing is that not all moments are explained, but I guess that’s just magic for you.

First real snowy day!!

Felt extremely tired again for most of the day. Spent about 4 hours in bed after waking up, got up, ate, and went back to bed. Then went to pool with brother. After pool we ate a croissant and went home. ████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████

Still tired. ██████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ It was a nice rainy day.

So insanely tired lately. I think Zoloft or Lyrica is making me much more tired than usual. I hope this effect will stop after the transitional period.

██████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████

███████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████

Twitter broke OldTwitter, OldTweetDeck and YeahTwitter all at once, but luckily it was a pretty easy fix.

████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████

Woke up from intercostal neuralgia pain, and had to move around in bed a lot to make it stop. I don’t remember if I fell asleep after or couldn’t sleep anymore, but I only slept 6 hours. Layed in bed and did my usual morning scrolling and Anki, and felt too tired to get up. Got my earphones and played windy forest sounds, and that felt really nice. I imagined myself walking near deserted road with fields around, during windy cloudy weather until I fell asleep for 2 more hours.

███████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████

Went for a late gym with brother and afterwards went to a ribs restaurant. It was good.

Woke up from bombing, but fell asleep again after 20 minutes. This time I wasn’t very scared or anxious from it, probably because of the meds I’m taking.

███████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ Didn’t do much otherwise. Days pass fast as always.

██████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████

So much staring at the screen. My website is so cozy when it’s snowing. Was trying to make myself start doing assignments for the whole day and finally at 1 AM managed to start and possibly finished assignments from 1 class.

A lot of bedding today. ██████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████

I’ve been dreaming of world for a game I wanna make a lot today. I can approximately see how it should be, but it’s all inconsistent, and I have no idea about how to write a good story. I feel like it’ll take years for me to come up with something good.

Also for the whole day was feeling guilty for not doing my assignments. I really need to start doing them. I got so many of them, yet only a month left.

███████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████

Dad is out of hospital, and thankfully his legs are much better now! He quit smoking too!

Woke up without anxiety and feeling pretty well. I assume Lyrica works. I went on my website, which I didn’t do for a while, and noticed that it’s snowing now. It’s code I made a while ago, and it’s nice to see it in action. I got up and… it was also snowing outside O_o, kinda a crazy coincidence. I love snow!!! Finally it’s time for winter. I cooked breakfast and then took Zoloft. Well here it goes… my first time with SSRIs, I hope it’ll all be good. By the time this page unlocks for you to read, I’ll already be a month on it.

Went to gym and ran 2.76km on treadmill. Running with earphones feels easier because it’s less boring. After gym went to grill restaurant with brother.

It was nice. Went home and coded ██████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ Day ended on a sad note.