Coded a lot of diary today! Its actually getting close to being done. Calendar, pagination, censor of new posts, uploading media done.

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Someone was really hateful at some stupid paid browser called Horse on Twitter. They made a lot of posts about it, and even cracked it. People in comments were cheering and also hating on someone who paid for it.

It makes me disgusted, scared and anxious of people being so vile over such innocent thing, person making this browser didn’t harm anyone or did anything. People are willingly buying it if they want these features, even if its overpriced and buggy.

And I’m scared that I’m hateful of things for no reason all the time too. I’m so frustrated how depending on my state of mind, I act and feel completely different. I can switch between these states multiple times per day, and I’m always disgusted at myself for being like that before. Such realization comes within literal hours, and it’s so terrible for my mental health.

I really hope I can somehow get out from this loop and just be… me… who’s writing this right now and not someone vile…

Yesterday I saw an announcement for a giveaway for free pizza up to 10€ if you buy it with █████████████ debit card and post a photo of it in the comments, and I checked the comments and there was barely any photos there so I ordered 2 pizzas, which barely came in time before giveaway closed (literally 10 minutes left). And they DMed me telling me I won, nice!

The odds were basically 100% for winning so I just got free food today :)

Later today someone did some abuse on Nekoweb, and when I checked their IP I saw that they were using Cloudflare IP. I just thought that it was Cloudflare’s VPN, and checked on proxy checker and it wasn’t detected. I reported this to them and they said that this IP is actually marked on Cloudflare as reverse-proxy only, which made me really confused. I thought that this is a bug with me reading IP from wrong header, but it seems to be all right. So it’s either:

• Cloudflare is lying and this IP is actually used in their VPN
• ███████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████

I highly doubt it’s the second one.

I still don’t know what exactly happened, so I added more logs so I can actually █████████████████████ in the future.

The coincidence has occured again and took 1 day.

Spent last part of the day manic as hell! Feeling really plasma 🍓 I really gotta pick up my pace coding the diary, I’m doing like 1 feature per day.

Finally didn’t feel bad all day! Though I’m disappointed that ███████████████████, I feel really hopeful that ████████████████. Some people said that it’ll be reviewed at start of September, so I just have to hope everything goes well!

Did some good progress on Diary today. Now that there’s essential basics done it’s easier to code since I have actual goals to do. Worked on the text editor and sending data to the server.

My dean just called me asking if I’m switching or not. I replied that I’m probably not gonna do it because of upcoming law fixing the issue. She told me that my semester will only start in October, so this might mean I’ll still be able to switch if things go wrong even not during summer? I think… This is really great news, not only I get more free time but also this might mean more safety.

Went to shop and bought ingredients to fry shrimp. It turned out to be fine, but definitely could be better. Just a bit boring to eat shrimp without anything else.

Then I watched Blade Runner, which was much better than Drive. I fucking love dystopia!! Coded some Diary today too. As always progress is still slow.

Last day to do it… and I’m not doing it.

████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████. I hope I chose the right way.

Spent the whole day being worried about my choice. Haven’t really been productive much for a while now. For some reason can’t find good motivation to code diary, which is why I only code tiny bits per day.

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Woke up from a very familiar nightmare.

I kinda forgot about this until now, but in my memory I had something quite weird about my godparents. I remember them having an extremely weird apartment in the city, which was series of tunnels made as if they’re normal apartment. In the dream I could actually remember the layout from my childhood, but when I woke up I couldn’t exactly remember full layout anymore.

In the dream I was walking in the rainy city and saw a Computer Club and one of my godparents there, and I got a nostalgia hit. I greeted them and followed them into their club first (I don’t think it was that business irl), and then after walking in a bit I entered the tunnels, which all had typical for apartments wallpapers, and it generally looked like a very stretched around apartment. In my dream I knew that once I go even further down, I need to go to the left which would have a larger room and exit to other part of city, but then when I did it in the dream, there only was turn right, and that godparent just disappeared. I slowly turned right and also saw an opening to a larger room, but it was all like in construction, and then I heard them say «don’t worry about below» and I realized that the floor I was standing on barely held me without breaking. And then they jumped on me, trying to attack and I woke up.

I still don’t know if this is any true at all, it might have just been a weird childhood dream that I had (and I feel like I must have had it multiple times).

I’ve had this multiple times when I could remember locations and people from dreams I didn’t have for decades clearly. It feels like some part of brain’s memory unlocks while you’re dreaming.

Very hot today again. Woke up dizzy for some reason, felt like I’m drunk for like 3 hours. Watched Drive movie, which I kinda expected more from. Added site and admin statistics tracking to Nekoweb.

Tomorrow is the last day for me to ████████████████████████████████, and I don’t know if I should do it or not.

Most likely not, the only thing that’s left is hoping…

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Dad called me and told me he’ll bring me to their house today. Looked at the new roof at the house, ate with parents and touched cat.

After few hours at home got message from potential █████████████ customer, so we started preparing to go back home. Went to supermarket with parents and bought some tasty treats. Came home and fell asleep for 3 hours. Then deployed the thing and worked on Diary some more. Now lightbulb is actually physical.

Feeling terrible.

███████████████████████████████████████, so I don’t know what to do at this point.

Spent the whole day doing mostly nothing again. I have no idea how days pass by so quickly. Coded a tiny bit of Diary, maybe got an idea for how I want it to look like, but it still needs actual implementation.

At the end of the day did JLPT test, ███████████████████████████████████████ and I got 59… This makes me want to cry. 2 years of learning and I still know fucking nothing. I’m just grinding useless words that I can’t even read outside of Anki and that’s it, no wonder I can’t even pass N5 after so long. I’m really so fucking bad at this, fuck. Fuck.

Woke up from grass being cut loudly. Since I only slept 6 hours, I tried to continue to sleep but failed. Then roommate came in and asked me to help him with his car, we moved it a bit and he took photos with damage and called someone. After that we came back to apartment and I went back to bed. Most of the day I felt really tired and anxious. It was also very hot today, with temperature reaching 34°C.

Did some fixes to Nekoweb and basically that’s it.

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As expected, still nothing… 5 more days left with relative safety… Today sucked. Felt bad and anxious overall for the entire day.

Wasn’t productive much. ███████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████

Spent most of the day trying to think of a good design for the Diary, but still haven’t came up with anything. I keep spending my time on bullshit that doesn’t matter.

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██████████████████████████ 😔

I’ve been doing nothing and then my brother called and told me that he’s coming over in a few hours. In mean time roommate came home and went into his room. Then my brother came over and visited roommate, but he wasn’t very talkative (even though they’re best friends) so we decided to go outside to a restaurant. My brother has a bike and we used it to get there.

We got to a pretty fancy restaurant and I ordered Tom Yang Kung, which I always wanted to try. I think that trying out food for the first time should always happen in best restaurants ever so you can actually taste how it should be at it’s peak. Because if you’ll have first bad experience you’ll probably say "I don’t like [food name]" for the rest of your life, even though you just got a bad version of it.

We talked about roommate a bit, apparently when he was supposed to run away, he actually went quite far (to Dnipro) but then he got into car accident and had to comeback. My brother said that he almost completely stopped talking to him and avoids him for some reason, and says that he seems to be suffering from depression. My brother has been trying to offer help and was nice to him but he seems to dismiss all of that. Because I almost never talk with my roommate, I don’t really feel anything about this situation, he’s still basically a stranger to me.

Then we talked about my current situation, and after that he told about his trip to Carpathians, in which he climbed the Hoverla, the highest mountain in Ukraine. The food was great. I ordered Tom Yang Kung and a steak while he ordered sushi.

After a long chat and eating the food we had to start going because brother had to pick someone up.

Bikes are scary and cool.

Overall this was really nice. I really, really want to go outside more. Ever since this all happened my life kinda feels like it’s on pause. I can’t go outside much, and I can’t really do anything without thinking that it’s all pointless. I bought all these electronics thinking I’d spent this entire summer building some cool things, and just after I built my first actually useful thing (thermometer) this all happened… And after that I stopped doing any electrical stuff because it feels really pointless given ███████████████████████████████…

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Went outside for the first time in a week or so to get groceries. I miss being able to freely go outside. Even though before all this happened I didn’t go out much, sitting inside felt a lot better when you knew you can go out any time you want. █████████████████████████████ and it’s already August 13… This is getting worse and worse… ████████████████████████

Spent the day mostly doing nothing. Coded a fairly big update for OldTweetDeck fixing DM images, Like column and blocking of Twitter’s scripts. Last part was the most interesting one, I love patching into things so much.

My neck has been hurting constantly lately. Every time I get up on the computer it immediately hurts, so in the past week I was trying to have a perfect posture, but so far I don’t really feel anything except that today pain kinda changed into some different type. I hope my body is restructuring into healthy posture again and it hurts because of that… Or it’s more likely that it’s already too late and I got my kyphosis too bad. It’s hard for me to even know if good posture I’m doing is actually good. It feels kinda impossible to have a good posture now.

Roommate asked to lend him 1000 UAH until next month, hmmm.

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• █████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████
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• █████████████████████████████████████

Man I can feel something terrible slowly approaching.

Today was an unproductive day. Didn’t really do anything productive or interesting. ████████████████████████████████████

I often wake up with anxiety for no reason. Well, sometimes there is a reason and sometimes there isn’t. But every time I wake up with it, I never know what caused it until around midday (if I ever find out why). This time I realized that I’m getting scared of █████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ ███████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ Everything is so scary…

████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████. At the moment I’m done with all commissions. Finally table is all green in DONE column! Not sure what I’m gonna do tomorrow, either just rest or start coding the Diary.

I recently got an idea for trading bot, ███████████████████████████████████████████████. Maybe will soon try the theory in practice soon (almost definitely gonna fail like all the attempts back in times).

Yesterday I found that Hawaii-Japanese video that was lost and I’m really happy. Apparently it was made in 1982, because one of the people talked about being 73 and I could find their name and date of birth. They died in 90s, like other person in the video… I’m absolutely terrified of aging.

Woke up, made breakfast. Still watching Night in the Woods letsplay to see everything that was missed in normal play.

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Spent most of the day coding ████████████████. Pretty interesting commission, I really like coding function proxies and injecting into deep parts of scripts. Something about it feels hackery and cool. Somehow only quite recently I learnt of prototype injection, even though that sounds pretty essential for type of stuff I’m constantly doing.

Now that ████████████████ is done I can finally move onto coding Diary, right?? Right?? Nope, I just got another commission. AND IT’S REALLY BORINGGGG. And I also need to do it tomorrow, can’t postpone it like this one. ████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████