Most of the day was spent in bed, resting and enjoying the heater. Unfortunately agreed to some boring commission, and now have to actually think how to finish it.

Bed is too cozy and I’m too tired most of the time. Infrared heater is also adding +5000 to coziness level.

Finally managed to do another assignment. After that coded a bit of commission and some other stuff. Overall I would say it was a pretty productive day.

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Spent the whole day reading PsychonautWiki about random substances. So tired again… I thought that stopping Lyrica stopped the constant tiredness but it seems like it’s back. But anxiety seems to be mostly stopped too.

Went outside for the first time in a while to buy groceries.

It’s December, the most wonderful time of the year. ❄️

I like first half of the winter much more than second half. Winter is probably my favorite season, so knowing it’ll get even colder, that there’s holidays coming and that a lot of winter is left feels so nice… And second half got nothing and you have to suffer knowing that it’ll become hot again soon.

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There were multiple power outages today.

Finally added mobile friendly style to Nekoweb.

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I open my eyes and reach for my phone. It’s 6 AM, I once again woke up after 5 hours of sleep. The main room of the apartment has lights on, and I can hear the quiet voices.

It’s difficult for me to fall asleep when this happens, so I start checking my phone with my usual routine. Can’t stop thinking about Clannad… It makes my life feel so pathetic.

It’s raining outside. Even though it’s cold, I still leave my window open just to hear the rain sounds.

For the whole day, I just couldn’t stop feeling sad because of Clannad. If you don’t take into account boring arcs and only focus on main story, it’s genuinely a masterpiece. I didn’t have such reaction to something for so, so long.

Every few months or years, I find myself returning to the same place in my dreams. It’s not a specific location in the real world, but more like a strange nexus — a café, a hacker’s den, and an entrance to something much larger all at once.

The place is always at the edge of my city, or at least that’s how it feels — remote, yet oddly familiar. When I step inside, I’m greeted by a dimly lit room with an irregular layout. The air buzzes with an energy that’s hard to describe. A radio in the corner crackles to life, cycling between music and snippets of hacking news. Sometimes, people use it to talk to one another, like an old-school intercom system.

The first time I tuned in without responding, I got «kicked» for eavesdropping, but I explained myself and was allowed back. That moment set the tone — this place operates on its own strange rules.

There are four doors in the room:

The first door is the entrance. It’s how I came in, though I’m not sure if it’s always the same from dream to dream.

The second door leads to a restaurant. This space is brighter, almost ordinary, filled with «normal» people who seem unaware of the room I came from. I chatted with some of them briefly, though what we discussed is blurry now. It felt like stepping into another world entirely — a layer of the dream that wasn’t meant to intersect with the base.

After returning, I met someone from the radio. They were eccentric, bordering on rude, but oddly likable — chaotic in the way that makes you curious about what they’ll do next. They didn’t introduce themselves, but they seemed to be in charge. ██████████████████████████████████.

They led me through the third door, which opened into a short, crumbling hallway. Dust hung in the air, and the walls looked ready to collapse. There was a single locked door at the end. The stranger gestured for me to open it, and somehow, I already had the key.

When I turned the lock and stepped inside, a rush of recognition hit me. This was my room — given to me years ago in another dream. It was small, windowless, and painted a garish yellow that somehow felt comforting. The furniture was sparse — a TV, a few worn pieces I couldn’t fully make out — but it felt like mine.

The stranger told me to settle in and then disappeared.

The fourth door leads to the "exit". But the exit isn’t an escape; it’s a gateway to something vast. Walking through it, I entered a surreal, dreamlike expanse — something like the Nexus from Yume 2kki. The landscape was alive with people and impossible architecture. It felt like a game, though I knew it wasn’t purely fiction. Somehow, this dreamworld was tied to reality, and the stranger who guided me was its admin.

Later, I tried to return to my room, but the hallway had transformed into an open, dizzying expanse of platforms. The pillars holding them up were fragile, crumbling under my feet as I ran. At the far end, I spotted my door, barely holding its place in this impossible void. I ran faster, the platforms breaking apart behind me, and threw myself through the door just before everything collapsed.

Inside, my room was untouched — bright yellow walls and that same sense of worn familiarity. It felt like a haven.

What happened after is harder to recall — fragments of events, conversations, and emotions. I don’t know when I’ll return to this place, but I hope it won’t be long.

Watched Clannad: After Story for the whole day. Literally cried for multiple hours. While this season left much larger emotional impact on me, in the end I think I liked first season more, because this one didn’t have much going on for most of the first half. It was really uncomfortable and a little boring to just see him work. I don’t want to ever work. I hope I will never work and never have to spend most of my life doing something I don’t want to do.

For some reason kept waking up in the night. That hasn’t happened for a while now, maybe because I stopped medication.

Finished watching Clannad. Last episode is so bittersweet. Watching anime always makes me feel like I’m terribly missing out on life. I spend so much time stuck in my room, doing barely anything. I missed out on all the experiences of being a student in school and university. In school it was absolutely terrible and I barely had friends. Constantly got bullied and beaten. And since I’m a home student, I never got to experience student life.

Looks like anxiety is back. Either Zoloft didn’t start working yet, or it just doesn’t work for anxiety. It was all Lyrica’s effect… But Lyrica causes too much brainfog so I don’t want to take it. I guess I’ll have to wait until end of the month before making conclusion and visiting doctor. After anxiety stopped my brain started feeling extremely weird. It felt like hand kept touching back of my brain for multiple hours. An EXTREMELY uncomfortable sensation. It was like different kind of pain. Lyrica apparently only stops having effect after 36 hours so I most likely still was under it’s effect yesterday. Which is why I’m having these weird withdrawal symptoms today.

I’m funneled. Every time anything happens, every moment of my life, it’s going further and further from me. I’m constantly moving forward, constantly funneled into an unknown future. Every time I think of any memory, it’s always more distant. I can always see it.

Finally, finally had energy today! For the first time in like 2 weeks I felt like wanting to get up and do everything. It looks like it was just Lyrica’s effect after all, thank fucking God. Also I didn’t feel anxious today, even without Lyrica. Maybe Zoloft is already working, or I just didn’t have something that’d make me anxious.

Continued to watch Clannad for the most of the day. Cried because of ████████████████████████.

Started watching Clannad.

Had brainfog all day and felt very tired. Went to gym, ███████████████████████████████████.

Continued improving █████████████.

Today is the last day I take Lyrica. I hope tiredness and not wanting to do anything improves and I won’t have any withdrawal effects.

So tired. Went to visit parents today because of █████████████████. Touched cat after so long.

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Then I went home and layed in bed for a long time. Insanely hard to do anything. Managed to finally ███████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████.

Layed in bed for almost the whole day. ███████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████

I really just don’t feel like doing anything at all. I feel like because I’m feeling really chill, I don’t feel the need to constantly be doing anything to forget about anxiety, so I’m much less productive now.

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I learned that you can create a Service in MacOS’ Finder with Automator. Made "Open folder with VSCode". Neat.

Watched Kanon (2006) for the whole day. It’s a cozy, snowy, sad, cute anime. I really liked it. While watching it I constantly felt bittersweet. And when I was done with watching it, as with any other good media, I feel empty inside. Uguuu…

This anime is quite unique from most of others that I watched, because it has so many substories happening at once. But then I realized that it’s a VN adaptation, so they had to fit in all character lines into one anime.

MC in anime had so many potential gfs, it was hard to pick one. But I’m happy with how it all turned out. The only thing that’s a tiny bit disappointing is that not all moments are explained, but I guess that’s just magic for you.

First real snowy day!!

Felt extremely tired again for most of the day. Spent about 4 hours in bed after waking up, got up, ate, and went back to bed. Then went to pool with brother. After pool we ate a croissant and went home. ████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████

Still tired. ██████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ It was a nice rainy day.