I tried using the dishwasher today, and like an idiot put hand dishwashing liquid into it. When I came back to it a bit later literally everything was in foam. Foam completely covered insides of the machine and there was a ton of it outside on the floor too. I had to wipe everything off for a while.
Wow, the wave of despair truly hit me today. I’m circling around the idea of really, really wanting to learn Japanese, and yet, despite this urge, I literally cannot make myself do anything. Lost in countless tutorials and thoughts about how to make it the fastest. And in the end, doing nothing, as usual.
The thought of having to study for hours for 4 years to get good at Japanese is INCREDIBLY depressing to me, I practically cry thinking about it. This is my mental torture. Every time I think about doing anything I’m faced with this insane amount of work to be done and feel like everything is pointless. Setting small goals does not help me with motivation at all.
The only time I ever can lock in is when I’m stressed and anxious. The last time it was because of N5, and it was also the only time when I actually seriously studied for a few hours a day, and it was still very mentally exhausting for me.
Every time I venture into anything that isn’t programming, I circle back into thinking that I probably have ADHD given this insane torment I go through with me really wanting to do things but literally unable to do anything until I’m literally forced to.